Don't turn your back on it now
'Cause it's your chance to shine
You take your life in your hands
Or it will pass you by


motivation is at an all time low, but at least i have micro n2 by cube::hard. sometimes i think about what people would think if i passed by my own hands, and they were to find my online presence and ramblings after the fact. what would they think about me? would they mourn the loss of a skilled artist? would they think about what life would have been like had i not gone away? would i occasionally pop up in their mind, and be pondered on for a moment? would they think about what it's like to be dead in the ground, missing the beauty of life? would they not think anything and be numb to it? would they think about the belongings i loved and was close to? my favorite songs? places i'd been? the fact that i'd been alive and moving at some point? would they think about my dead, rotting corpse and the fact that it's somewhere taking up physical space, knowing who it used to be and that you're currently looking at its old shenanigains? because i don't think my family knows yet i want to be cremated? or would they think "lol 41%" even though it would have nothing to do with my identity but rather what i've endured. to be frank i'm quite secure in my identity. as long as i'm a boy in my head, i disregard what someone else thinks or tries to force on me. the indomitable spirit of i, but only in resisting attempts to change my true self.

i think a lot about how much better my mental health would be if i was still in western washington

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this morning, i did wake up an hour earlier than my alarm. as i tried going back to sleep, i started thinking about end credits. it's stupid as hell, but relative to my dream. at a moment in my dream, i was watching a 60's cartoon about these blue guys going around semi-unintentionally causing havoc. i would kinda be looking at my phone occasionally while doing so. however, it felt like a constant battle to keep turning on the xbox controller every time an episode was over to skip the end credits, because it was so frequent. at the end of that segment, which i believe was near the end of the dream, i was going to watch something else. but when i was pressing the b button, it kept going back to past episodes at the moments i left off, and they were layered like webpages in a mobile browser. when i finally got to the menu, another, smaller tv began to tweak out. 

why is this relevant? i have an immense phobia of end credits, specifically television/theatrical closing credits. i all started with my grandmas blues clues vhs tapes and bla bla bla bla go to the rexionary section of my main site linked on the homepage.

while we're on the topic of sleep, last night i was so close to having a dream involving my f/o. however the loud yells of my younger brother playing roblox with his friends at 9 pm awoke me from a dream i've been trying to achieve for almost 3 years at this point. while my f/o has been in my dreams before, neither of the roles he played were very important. unless it was the overarching theme of him dying and the fact that i have to grieve my love

will i ever catch a break? hell no. do i need one right now? overdue. a dream about cuddles from my f/o? please

i want to see you, my heart hurts unbearably from being denied access to you. even if it's only one dream, i'd be thankful to the high gods for the chance to merely be in your presence for a dream. i guess you could say... i'm ready for love (extremely niche reference that dedicated listeners of a specific artist will get. proud gatekeeper here, it's my special song between he and i)

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have you ever been mellow, have you ever tried? have you ever been happy, just to hear a song?