yesterday, i failed the written test for  my drivers ed. i take notes, i study, but i write shit weird. i'm a little confused, but i got the spirit.

but still, it causes frustration and stress. the past few weeks have been constant work with no break. while i like the teacher, driver's ed is still a burden on my mental health. my dad payed ~$500 for it and surprised me with it out of nowhere. i was not enthusiastic.

it's part of his plot to try and outperform my step mom's parenting of my step brother. he's not going to get his driver's license until he's 18 in a few days since you don't have to do driver's ed for it. however, my dad views him as a lazy bum who doesn't contribute shit. he's trying to get me into a driver's license before 18 because i can "rub it in his face" the fact that i got a license early. there's more unrelated to drivers ed that he puts pressure on me for to succeed, but all it does is make me fail in the end. he wants me to do all of these things to outperform, or be better, than my step brother. my step brother is doing just fine- but my dad is an asshole with high expactations that are stupid. this dick acknowledges that i'm like how he was before he was medicated for adhd, but still refuses to have me evaluated for neurodivergency. his blatent neglect of my healthcare is ultimately fucking me in the ass.

somewhat related, but for the longest time he refused to get me glasses and went "ooooh ask your mom" because they were "too expensive" (like $175 i think), then proceeded to spend over $2,000 on car parts. he also neglects my little brother's sleep apnea, and brushes it off as a non-issue. i realize that's too kind, implying that he knows my brother actually has it. he straight up goes "nuh uh no you don't"

he doesn't think i'm on the spectrum because i don't act like a fully fledged special kid. he thinks he knows everything about disabled people because he has a sister with a fucked brain stem. his knowledge of psychopathology is abhorrent, yet he still knows marginally more than the average joe. and this applies to what i was talking about first because...?

he keeps pushing me to do all of these things on my own, burning me out, ignoring the fact that i apsolutely need help with things because i'm a bit slow. my brain is also stuck in time. sure, i mature in terms of realizing some things i did when i was 13-14 were really embarrasing online and i pray that em doesn't see them, but i was basically the same for the first 10 years of my life and was not allowed to expand or grow at all. my brain is stuck in a sort of arrested development. sure, i can do 16 year old things, but i still struggle with a lot of shit because my brain's still younger. and by this i mean that i still have my childlike impulses, state of mind, and interests. intercourse? yucky. (unless it's fictional characters i think are hot [proud]) job? too scary. being mature like an adult is too scary. my point that i'm trying to make is I AM FAR FROM READY TO BE AN ADULT. I'M TOO STUCK IN BABY LA LA LAND. the closest i'm willing to get is playing house. sorry

all of this stress pushes me deeper into my dissociative state of mind; i'm constantly in my own world, or daydreaming of a better one. a lot of my own lore for my creations were created by sitting in class, listening to music, and being so stuck in my own brain world because it's better than my real world. all that stress mentioned, along with all of my horrid lore, makes me more unwilling to exit my dream world. for explicit example, the "aprature rift" from my lore was created because i was listening to "welcome to high life" by goreshit while stressing out really badly over a test, and the constant pushing to be a succesful student. another large contributor to my stress is my environtment, and what i mean by environment is the place i live. eastern washington is akin to a desolate wasteland of dun monochrome, and i ache for the dense verdure of the west side, where i was raised. i've only been here for a decent 8 months, but it's already taken a toll on me. uk hardcore and halley labs are constant in my soundtrack over here (halley labs is a constant regardless because it's my special interest), because they remind me of the west side. my memories of riding my bike around university place flood back to me and taunt me like "haha you can't come back until you're an adult lol keep missing your old life loser". i make my dream world like the evergreen of the west side, because i want to return so badly. things i want to make, but haven't yet because i'm so tired and deprived all the time now haunt my brain. i want to express all of these feelings in drawings and music, but my body says no.